2. Land, Pigs, Women

“Why you no wear ring?” I look at my left hand. “It’s because I’m not married.” “Oh, that is nice for you. Free to travel… No man controls you… You can do as you please.” “Yes, I guess that’s true.” “But why no man love you?” There is a pause in my conversation with two local women. “Wow. You are good at asking me questions,” I tell them. “Hundreds of men would compete for you here… You are beautiful. So many pigs for you in marriage… And so much Kina. You should move here, find a man.” “Thank you ladies. I know that you’re paying me a nice compliment, but I don’t think I’m the pig-in-exchange-for-marriage kind of woman. In America there are no pigs exchanged for marriage. It’s different there… I am really curious though… What do you think my bride price would be here?” They look at me as though they’re sizing me up. “Last year while I was in Ethiopia I learned my bride price in cattle and goats. What about pigs?” “Oh! So many pigs! Twenty, thirty, maybe more… And big, fat, pigs too. No little runts. No! Nothing small.” I start to laugh. “Really!” the younger of the two women says. “Many pigs. You are pretty. The men will compete for you.” “You flatter me. Thank you. On a much more serious note, since we’re talking about men and marriage, and the value of women, may I ask you something else?” They don’t say anything. “Will you two please tell me a little bit about your lives here, and what it’s like for women being married?” Again, they just look at me and don’t say anything. “I mean, I’ve seen a little bit, with the women who work so hard in the farms, tending to the pigs and the children, but I would like to hear about it from your perspectives. You are two professional women working here in the lodge. Your lives are very different from most of the women I’ve seen so far in Papua New Guinea.” Continued silence. I’m not sure whether I crossed a line, or whether they’re thinking about how they want to respond to me… “It is very hard. Not good. She will tell you. I have to go and clean in kitchen.” I watch the younger of the two walk away. “Oh geez… I didn’t mean to offend her. I thought it would be okay. Was I wrong?” “No, no. She does not like to talk about her life, her man… I am good to talk.” “Then will you please tell me about marriage here – and the pigs? I’m having a hard time wrapping my thoughts around how pigs hold a higher value in society here than women do.” “Sure. Sure. I am not married. I was. But no more.” “And are you happy with that?” She enthusiastically nods her head. “Marriage was not for me. I am like you… Single. If the husband beats you now and then, if he puts you down and makes you work like you are in a prison camp with the vegetables and the pigs, the women want to leave. I left. But to divorce, women must go to the village leaders… All men telling you if you can leave or not.” “And you did this? Before the men who decide?” “Yes. My family helped me to pay back the bride price, and I left him. I am no longer being beaten.” “You are very courageous. I’m so sorry you were treated that way. I’ve been beaten before too. It’s a very difficult and painful situation to go through.” We study each other’s eyes. I see the strength in hers. “You were beaten from your husband and you left?” “No. I was beaten by a boyfriend who wanted to marry me. I left way before marriage. It was a long time ago… Very long. I was young. He was a very bad man.” “So in America can you just leave?” “Well, if you’re not married, yes. But it isn’t always that simple. Some women have no money to pay for where they will live. Or to care for their children. If a woman is married, and she wants to divorce him, she can. Like here. There are legal costs, like here. But there isn’t a bride price repayment like here, with the value of the pigs and any money that was given in Kina at the time of marriage.” “Yes. All that must be paid back. When a sad woman wants to leave or if the man gets a second wife and you do not want that, you can leave. But, the bride price has to be returned to do that.” “And if it’s repaid then the man let’s you go?” “Yes, especially if he has more than one wife. Sometimes he does not care. If the first wife worked hard with the farm and took care of the pigs and children, another wife will do that. Maybe the second one. Or the third one. Most of the time, the first wife is the hard worker, maybe not very pretty. The next wife is younger. More pretty. Has more children. She will have to work harder if the first wife leaves. Then as he gets older, he might get another younger wife and have more children. For the man it is about owning much land, having many pigs, and then the wives who take care of everything. The man even has his own house, away from the women and children. He does not sleep where they sleep. The women and children sleep with the pigs.” “Wow. I didn’t know that.” “It is not good. Most women I know are very unhappy.” “I can imagine. I would be too. It doesn’t sound like a nice way to live.” “It is not. The women are sad. They kill themselves. The suicide for women is high here. She will hang herself… jump in the river… take too many medicines. We do not own guns, so we can not shoot ourselves. We do not use bow and arrow, and we can not ask someone to use it on us. The only weapon we know is the stick – to hit the men back with. We cannot kill ourself with the stick.” “So suicide by hanging from the trees?” “Yes. They are easy. Look outside… So many trees…” I look out the window to a very dense forest. My stomach feels like it’s twisting into a knot. “It is easy to hang. All you need is a rope…” I feel awful for having brought the entire subject up. I know that it’s bringing up painful memories for me – and it has to be for her. “Please forgive me. I didn’t know that life for women here was this challenging, and that hanging yourself was an option to leaving a bad marriage.” “Yes. It is very bad. It was bad for me. Not now. Now I am single. I have many boyfriends. Black men. White men. They are nice to me. If I do not like them, I leave. No more marriage. I have a good job. I make my money. I travel.” “Good for you. You should feel proud. You survived.” “Yes. I survived. Now, I try to help other women when I can. Sometimes they come to me with their children. They want to leave. Sometimes they do… Sometimes the husband finds out. He beats her. The children see this. She stays. It is very sad. She cannot leave him.”