8. Facing Fear

I shine my flashlight on my watch and see that it’s 4:10 a.m.  Seriously…  I can’t believe I’m doing this at this hour… “We are ready to begin,” our guide says.  “Let’s go.”  With our flashlights leading the way, the four of us walk through the darkness toward Batur Volcano.  I’m excited, although I’m usually afraid of being in dark, unfamiliar places.  I feel my heart pound.  I try to stay calm and remind myself that I made a commitment to do this.  I have two hours of hiking and climbing ahead of me before I reach the top at sunrise.  Fear and the voices in my head want to take over.  The thought of saying, “I’ll sleep in the car” swirls around in my mind.  I imagine saying it to the others, but it feels silly.  Not doing this climb would be wrong.  I like challenges.  I appreciate learning how I respond to them and getting to know myself better.  Yoga teaches facing fears and learning how to move beyond them.  Right now, I’m especially thankful for my ten-year yoga practice that serves me in so many ways.  Not only did it bring me to this island for an incredible yoga retreat, it also gave me an opportunity to raise the bar for myself.  I’m facing a big fear with this climb into the darkness.  I take in a deep breath and exhale with each step.  I feel the incline of the earth as we move forward, and I look up at the sky saturated with stars.  It’s stunning, so I stop walking for a moment to take it all in.  This is a sky I will want to remember…  “Lisa?”  I hear Tara call out.  She is my life coach and yoga teacher on this retreat.  “Keep moving forward.”  “I am,” I say, reconnecting to the hillside and the goal in front of me.  The terrain changes as we climb higher, and it becomes more difficult to navigate the jagged lava rocks.  We take a break at one of the rest areas and, from out of nowhere, a man appears with Coca-Cola for sale.  “Would you like a Coke-A-Cola, miss?” he asks, really emphasizing the “a”.  I decline his offer and take a sip of my water instead.  “Let’s go,” our guide says and we start walking, now with “Mr. Coke-A-Cola” as part of our group.  Our guide tells us the salesman is also a guide who helps hikers with more difficult parts of the volcano climb.  I like knowing that we have help if we need it, but I’m hoping we don’t.  No, I’m praying we don’t…  We continue onward and the morning air starts to warm.  I’m suddenly sweating as if I’m in a hot yoga class.  I see a dusting of lights from the flashlights of climbers ahead of us.  They create a column of light against the black hillside.  The trail to the top is almost a vertical incline.  Holy shit!  Suddenly, I feel anxious as I see how far I have yet to climb.  It’s so high…  I stop walking and stare toward the top.  I feel overwhelmed.  “Please keep walk,” Mr. Coke-A-Cola says to me.  “I can’t.”  “What?!”  I hear Tara say.  “I can’t.  I’m having some serious fear here.  Look at that hillside!”  Tara comes to my side and says all sorts of encouraging things to me.  She tells me how strong I am and reminds me of some of the experiences I’ve shared with her.  “Keep moving forward,” she firmly says.  “Alright,” I nervously respond.  “I can do this.”  I carefully maneuver around the jagged rocks.  They’re slippery, so I take Mr. Coke-A-Cola’s hand when he offers to help me.  He is very strong, and I lean on him for support as I feel my thighs and calves burn as we climb higher… higher… higher.  I don’t how much longer I can take this.  The morning light starts to shift, and I know I am only inches from the top.  My goal is literally within reach.  I want to get to the top on my own, so I let go of my guide’s hand and immediately feel empowered.  I’m actually going to do it!  I glance down at the trail of lights below to see how far I’ve come.  Others are starting to “WOO-HOO” at the top, and I feel their enthusiasm.  I climb over the last of the jagged rocks and join them as they jump up and down.  We’re all so happy that we made it.  “It’s really amazing!” I shout.  We watch the sun rise and see the landscape change as the day begins.  We take some yoga photos, and each of us chooses a pose that embodies how we feel at the top of the volcano.  I choose Virabhadrasana III, or airplane pose.  It’s fitting to me because it requires strength, balance and determination, and I needed all three to climb up here this morning.